Donkanryoku in Action: The Art Of Stay Unbothered By Unhelpful Criticism

Mar 15, 2025

Author: Yuhao Miao, CCC, RP (Q)

Their Opinions do not have to become your reality. You have the power to create your own narrative.

DonkanRyoku is the psychological resilience to filter out negativity and maintain emotional stability, preventing overreaction to unhelpful criticism or setbacks. Rooted in Stoic detachment and Buddhist non-attachment, it is not ignorance but a conscious choice to focus on what truly matters, fostering clarity and inner peace in an unpredictable world (Watanbe, 2010).

“My team lead dumped a nightmare project on me with a completely insane deadline because my coworker had a family emergency. I stood up, worked myself to death, and pulled ridiculous overtime just to make sure it was done on time. However, the manager, in all his smug glory, took one look at my work and threw out some sarcastic nonsense— Oh! I assumed you were aiming for creativity instead of accuracy.” FML! Now I am a fool in front of my team and none of them will ever take me seriously!” 

“I got my first-ever “I hate you!” from my own ungrateful brat because I refused to drop everything and drive an hour and a half just so he could have a sleepover. To twist the knife a little deeper, he was so convinced his dad-my ex, would be a much better and supportive parent than his selfish, anti-social, workaholic mom. Right! I am pathetic with no social life because I work my ass off to keep a roof over our heads, and that makes me the villain in his world.”

“When I mentioned cutting toxic people out of my life, my friend smirked and said, “That’s funny coming from you. You ghost people all the time when it’s convenient.” I tried to laugh it off, but it felt like a punch to the gut. Had I been blind to my own behaviour? There were definitely times I’d pulled away and cancelled plans, and now I couldn’t shake the feeling I was a total hypocrite—maybe I was doing the same thing I hated in others.”

Let’s be real—negative comments can hit hard, and the way we react to them isn’t always helpful. Some people get defensive, arguing or over-explaining, but that usually just fuels the fire. Others avoid the issue altogether, which might feel good at the moment but can hold them back in the long run. Then some internalize and ruminate every word, letting one comment spiral into self-doubt. Some seek constant reassurance, relying on others to rebuild their confidence. And of course, there’s humour—laughing it off can be a great tool, but not if it’s just covering up deeper emotions.

Indeed, Receiving negative opinions from others, especially the ones you care about, can be a painful experience. It’s like a sharp jab that cuts deeper than expected, leaving a lingering sting long after the words have been said. Whether it’s a harsh criticism, a dismissive remark, or even a well-intentioned “piece of advice,” the weight of those words can chip away at your confidence and self-worth. It’s not just about the comment itself—it’s the feeling of being judged, misunderstood, or dismissed, and the struggle to shake off the emotional residue it leaves behind. This reaction is completely normal. As Swann (1981) pointed out in his self-verification theory, even individuals who may hold a negative view of themselves still seek validation and confirmation from others that align with their self-concept (Swann, 1981, as cited in Hillman et al., 2022).

Why is it so painful?

Frankly, when we receive negative feedback, it often taps into our core fears and insecurities. We may start to question not just the specific criticism, but our overall worth or abilities. The emotional response to such feedback can be intense because it feels like a direct challenge to our identity (Banerjee et al., 2020). For those with a negative self-view, this can intensify the impact, as it confirms a belief they may already hold about themselves—that they are not good enough, capable, or worthy. 

Another reason why we feel so strongly about negative comments, even when we know they’re not always a reflection of our true selves, lies deeply rooted in our psychological need for social connection and acceptance(Hu et al., 2021). As social beings, our need to belong is deeply ingrained in us. From an evolutionary perspective, being part of a group was essential for survival, and our sense of identity has often been shaped by how we are seen by others. When we receive negative feedback, especially from those we value, it taps into an ancient fear of being cast out or rejected. Criticism, in this sense, isn't just about the words spoken—it's a challenge to our place in the world, making us feel exposed, unimportant, or disconnected from the people around us.

Who may be more impacted?

Through my learning, hands-on experience, and the insights shared by other mental health professionals, I have come to recognize that individuals with certain traits may be more profoundly affected by negative opinions. Attachment theory, which has gained increasing attention in recent years, offers valuable insight into how our early relationships shape our self-perception and emotional responses. Individuals with anxious attachment styles often tie their self-worth to external validation, making negative opinions feel deeply personal and triggering fears of rejection or abandonment (Zuckerman et al., 2023). 

Introverts, who naturally process experiences internally, may struggle to shake off criticism, replaying it in their minds and ruminating on its emotional impact for extended periods. Similarly, highly sensitive people (HSPs) tend to experience emotions more intensely, making them more susceptible to the weight of negative opinions, which they absorb not just intellectually but also physically and emotionally. Do you ever notice any perfectionists around you? They inevitably hold themselves to impossibly high standards, often equate criticism with failure, making even constructive feedback feel like a personal shortcoming (Isheqlou et al., 2023). Lastly, individuals with a fixed mindset may perceive negative opinions as confirmation of their inherent limitations rather than as opportunities for growth, leading to feelings of discouragement and helplessness.

Additionally, certain mental health conditions can make individuals more vulnerable to the emotional weight of negative comments. Depression often amplifies self-critical thoughts, causing even minor criticism to reinforce feelings of worthlessness or despair. Anxiety can heighten sensitivity to judgment, leading to excessive worry and overanalyzing negative feedback. Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may experience intense emotional reactions to criticism, struggling with feelings of rejection and abandonment. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), despite projecting confidence, may have a fragile self-esteem that makes them highly reactive to criticism, often responding with anger or defensiveness. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can also increase emotional sensitivity, as negative comments may trigger past traumatic experiences, leading to heightened distress and emotional dysregulation.

Take a moment to pause.

Let’s reflect together—do you find yourself dwelling on unfair comments from others? Or have you noticed someone you care about struggling to let go of negative opinions?

If yes, please hear me out: 

Every negative comment or judgment you receive is like a pebble thrown into a vast, calm ocean. For a moment, it creates ripples, but then it sinks and disappears into the depths. The problem is, most of us treat those pebbles like they’re boulders, carrying them with us far longer than necessary. We let them disrupt our peace and toss them around in our minds, overthinking, reliving, and attaching meaning to them. But the truth is, you don’t have to let these tiny pebbles shape the course of your day—or your life.

You see, criticism, especially from others, often says more about them than it does about you. It’s their lens, their emotions, their insecurities, their judgments coming to the surface. And while it’s natural to be affected by it, you don’t have to let it define you. At some point, we all need to realize: their opinion doesn’t have to become your reality. The space you give to those comments is yours to control. You can choose to let them drift away like leaves on a river, rather than getting stuck in the mud, weighed down by them.

Please remember: You have the power to create your own narrative. Your sense of self-worth, your path, your value—it’s all within you, not in the fleeting remarks of others. By continuously allowing those comments to occupy your mental space, you’re letting someone else’s passing moment take residence in your mind. Is that truly the life you want to lead? Is that the experience you want to have?

You can choose to acknowledge the sting, feel it, and then release it. You don’t have to let it carve into your heart or distort your view of who you are. Remember, the only lasting impact those comments can have is the one you allow them to have. The power to decide how much weight they hold is entirely within your hands.

So, next time you’re hit with a negative remark, remember: it’s just a pebble. It doesn’t deserve to create waves that affect your whole ocean. Let it sink and move on. You’re too vast and beautiful to let anyone else’s small stone shape the shore of your soul.

Yes, it’s easier said than done—I hear you!

 The disconnect between what we rationally know and how we emotionally react is completely normal. Here’s the thing—small steps can make a difference. Do me a favour: try out some of these strategies, whether on your own or with professional support.

• Challenge the Narrative:

• Identify Cognitive Distortions: When a negative comment triggers a strong emotional response, it often comes with distorted thinking—such as catastrophizing (“This is a disaster”), overgeneralizing (“I always mess things up”), or mind reading (“They must think I’m incompetent”). Recognizing these distortions is the first step to dismantling them. By questioning the truth of these automatic thoughts, you can reframe them in a more balanced way (Yanos et al., 2011).

• How to Reframe: If your team lead says, “You just cannot make sure the report error-free, can you?” instead of thinking, “I’m terrible at this job,” ask yourself: “What are the facts here? Is one mistake enough to define my abilities?” Replacing “I’m a failure” with “I made a mistake, and I can improve” can lessen the emotional charge.

• Mindfulness:

• Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness involves observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. By becoming aware of the emotional triggers, you can create a pause between the stimulus (the comment) and your reaction. This allows you to respond more thoughtfully rather than automatically reacting with hurt or defensiveness.

• How to Do It: The next time you receive a comment that stings, try to notice how your body reacts. Is your heart racing? Are your shoulders tense? Instead of immediately responding emotionally, focus on your breath and allow the emotion to pass through without clinging to it. Over time, mindfulness can help you detach from the emotional weight of the comment.

• Reframe the Importance of Other People's Opinions:

• Internalize Your Own Values: Constantly seeking validation from others can leave you vulnerable to criticism. Developing a clear sense of self and aligning with your own values allows you to stay grounded in who you are, rather than letting external opinions dictate your sense of worth.

• Ask Yourself: “Does this person’s opinion reflect who I am? Does it align with my goals and values?” You can also remind yourself that people’s comments often reflect their perspective and are not absolute truths about your character.

• Set Boundaries with Unnecessary Criticism:

• Set Boundaries: Not all criticism is valid or constructive. Sometimes, people project their own insecurities or frustrations onto others. Practice recognizing when feedback is unwarranted or unhelpful. Learning to set boundaries with people who regularly offer unhelpful or harsh criticism can help protect your emotional well-being.

• How to Do It: If someone’s comment feels like an attack rather than constructive feedback, gently assert your boundaries. You might use the ‘I statement,’ “I felt attacked by what you said, and I need to let you know that I don’t feel comfortable with that tone in our conversation. Let’s address this in a way that maintains mutual respect.”

• Self-Compassion:

• Treat Yourself Like a Friend: Instead of reacting harshly to your own perceived flaws after a negative comment, practice self-compassion. Imagine how you would comfort a close friend if they were criticized. You would likely reassure them, remind them of their strengths, and offer empathy (Laudel & Narciss, 2023). Do the same for yourself.

• How to Practice: When you feel upset by a comment, pause and offer yourself kind words. You could say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel hurt. Everyone makes mistakes, and this doesn’t define who I am.”

• Seek Constructive Feedback (When Possible):

• Ask for Specific, Actionable Feedback: Sometimes, criticism feels more impactful because it’s vague or not constructive. Ask for specific, actionable feedback on how you can improve. This transforms a negative comment into an opportunity to grow and change, rather than leaving you feeling judged or attacked.

• How to Ask: “Can you give me more details about what specifically needs improvement? What can I do to address this moving forward?”

References

Banerjee, D., Gidwani, C., & Sathyanarayana Rao, T. S. (2020). The role of “attributions” in social psychology and their relevance in psychosocial health: A narrative review. Indian Journal of Social Psychiatry, 36(4), 277–283. https://doi.org/10.4103/ijsp.ijsp_315_20

Hillman, J. G., Fowlie, D. I., & MacDonald, T. K. (2022). Social verification theory: A new way to conceptualize validation, dissonance, and belonging. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 27(3), 108886832211383. https://doi.org/10.1177/10888683221138384

Hu, Y., Zhou, M., Shao, Y., Wei, J., Li, Z., Xu, S., Maguire, P., & Wang, D. (2021). The effects of social comparison and depressive mood on adolescent social decision-making. BMC Psychiatry, 21(1), 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-02928-y

Isheqlou, L. K., Soltanlou, M., Zarean, M., Saeedi, M. T., & Heysieattalab, S. (2023). Feedback-related negativity in perfectionists: An index of performance outcome evaluation. Behavioural Brain Research. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbr.2023.114358

Laudel, H., & Narciss, S. (2023). The effects of internal feedback and self-compassion on the perception of negative feedback and post-feedback learning behavior. Studies in Educational Evaluation, 77. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.stueduc.2023.101237

Watanbe, J. (2010). The power of insensitivity 鈍感力. 集英社文庫.

Yanos, P. T., Roe, D., & Lysaker, P. H. (2011). Narrative enhancement and cognitive therapy: A new group-based treatment for internalized stigma among persons with severe mental illness. International Journal of Group Psychotherapy, 61(4), 576–595. https://doi.org/10.1521/ijgp.2011.61.4.576

Zuckerman, I., Laufer, I., & Mizrahi, D. (2023). Attachment style, emotional feedback, and neural processing: Investigating the influence of attachment on the P200 and P400 components of event-related potentials. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 17, 1–9. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2023.1249978